One of my favorite hobbies is resolving common myths and uncovering their underlying truth. The truth of everything in our universe is based on nature and its laws which surround us and sustain us in life. When I uncover a truth it grounds me reminding me we are part of a big system of Nature with specific natural rules which determine everything.
Neither Good or Bad
So for example, a rainy day is not really bad since it provides moisture to balance the earth’s eco systems. A sunny day is not really good either because it causes all kinds of things like drought, food shortages and sunburns. In nature such events are neither bad or good. They are simply nature balancing its systems to ensure its survival and evolution.
The Milk Myth
How about the myth of milk…the myth cow’s milk is good for you and children. It is full of nutrients. Right? he truth is cow’s milk is the most common food allergy children develop. In addition, the research is so strong linking cow’s milk to heart disease and other adult illnesses there is regular talk of taking all dairy products of Canada’s Food Guide!
The Motivation Myth
Now how about the myth of motivation…the myth you can motivate others. The truth is biologically and psychologically each person is always internally self-motivated. To think others can motivate you is to assume you don’t have a choice of where you focus your attention. This is preposterous!
Just ask any police oicer if their gun motivates people to obey them or the law. This is why the most dangerous call they can get at a police station is a domestic dispute. When families are focused internally on their feelings they often ignore the external world entirely and so are very unpredictable and so very dangerous.
You Are A “Control Freak” Just Like Everyone Else
You are internally motivated by how the world should be if you were the boss…if you controlled it. It is of course your fantasy of how the world should be based on your own needs exclusively. So in this context, we are all “control freaks,” we all want the world to run the world in a manner that satisfies us.
Encouraging Others Is Our Only Option
You can certainly encourage others to self motivate, but you have no real control over them. If you want to check this out ask any parent if they can control their child and listen carefully to their response. You can certainly encourage people to do specific things if you appeal to their value system. But controlling others is an illusion. This is a critical awareness when dealing with “difficult people.”
A Father of Modern Psychology
I remember Dr. William Glasser, considered the last surviving “Father of Modern Psychology,” a world renowned psychiatrist, author and speaker, stating influencing others is more difficult than brain surgery. Glasser said with brain surgery you have a cooperative and passive patient. When influencing another person, he added, you may or not have a cooperative participant. This makes it a much more challenging task.
The Happiness Myth
And, how about the myth of happiness. There is a popular myth you seek happiness, pleasure without pain, as your ultimate goal in life. The truth is you seek a state of both physiological (body) and psychological (mind) balance, harmony, or oneness with your surroundings.
In biology the term is called “homeostasis.” For example, when you go to your physician with some ailment, your pain tells you one of your body’s organs or systems is of balance. Your doctor will prescribe some action to restore a physiological balance to your body..to restore homeostasis.
In the same way, when I work with a client, they perceive pain, so some part of their thinking is of balance. I prescribe some action (focused accelerated learning) to restore a psychological balance to their mind to restore equilibrium.
Physiological and Psychological Balance
To restore balance to your body or mind is to be “cured” of your dis-ease, your dis-equilibrium or your imbalance. Do you see how our language describes accurately what is happening.
The Balanced State
Balance is called by many different names, but you usually experience it most often and most fully when you are in Nature which is a demonstration of balance. Physics, like every “logy” looks to uncover the laws of nature. Each constantly uncovering this law of balance in various forms in our Natural world.
So Nature mirrors this special balanced state for you. This is why you usually go to a natural environment to relax. This is why activities like: studying the stars of a clear night; walking a deserted beach; watching a sleeping child; studying a scenic horizon or staring at the sea have such appeal.
The Seven Areas In Which You Seek Balance
You seek balance in seven areas of your life: spiritually in how you connect to the universe; mentally in how you see yourself in your world; vocationally in your job or career; financially in how you manage your wealth; socially in how you connect with people; family wise in how you connect to your family and health wise in how you manage your body. Balance within yourself leads to more wellness in all seven areas of your life!
Choice Theory™ is a model of human behavior which recognizes your innate desire for balance and how all your actions are motivated internally by your desire to restore a balance to your world.
There Is Always a Want!
This is especially true of difficult people who whine, complain, criticize and blame. So, underneath every whine, complaint, threat, nag, criticism and blame is the same thing…a person who wants to find a balance to some perception!
They Just Don’t Know!
And it is really important to notice this difficult person does not know how to get what they want except by doing what you see before you. They do not have the awareness yet of other ways to get what they want. This is the secret of dealing with difficult people effectively.
Using Choice Theory™ you can help people get more of what they want. You can help people see more balance in their life. And by doing this you can lead difficult people to choose to give you their gifts of inspiration, energy, creativity, respect, loyalty, leadership and teamwork. This is the only effective way to deal with difficult people and create a quality service or product.
One Last Myth…he Personality Conflict Myth
The myth is some people just can’t work with certain other people because of their differing values or communication style. The truth is if we choose to honor our values and their values we can communicate with anyone.
For example, think of your closest friend. Notice the values you share with your friend. Then notice the values you don’t share with your friend. Yet you are still friends because you communicate respect for your friend’s values while also respecting your own. And, this respect is returned from your friend.
This is true for anyone and everyone. If the motivation is strong enough you will find a way to communicate respect for someone’s differing values. Or as Dr. John Demartini puts it succinctly, “If the why is big enough, the how takes care of itself!”
In next section we are going to look at three principles you need to understand to communicate with difficult people.”